For this particular post I can’t even come up with a ‘catchy’ opening line, no fancy introduction or glamorous first paragraph. It is a result of a post I read earlier on and I would like to say in retrospect, it was a privilege to read it even though I wish I never had to read anything like that. But truth of the matter is, it happens and it is life. Life sometimes hands you lemons as they say but it has to go on.
As a mother, it is hard to imagine what this woman felt like or has to live with on a daily basis. I remember labouring and quite honestly, in as much as you know that things can go terribly wrong, you kinda expect everything to turn out fine as if pregnancy comes with a guarantee. You expect that once your baby is delivered, they will put it on your chest and that it will spontaneously cry and you will just bond instantaneously. It happens very often so much that you forget that it is a precious blessing to have the privilege of holding a live baby in your arms. In some way, it displays the faith of a mother, the faith that makes you go out and buy all the baby’s clothes and basic necessities. You decorate the nursery and take months of work because you expect this baby to come. You expect that the little person inside of you is going to wear those clothes and sleep in that crib. You prepare yourself for the long sleepless nights and the constant crying, diaper changes, feeding, burping, settling etc. You know that motherhood in all its glory has its not so glamorous days, if they are any, but you know that holding that little one in your arms is more than enough reason to go through with it.
Well sadly there is the dark side of it. A community of women who have all those dreams in a matter of seconds. One minute they have all the above dreams and more but it only takes a second and their lives change for good. They prepare themselves for long sleepless nights rocking the baby, feeding the baby, burping the baby but only there is no baby. Instead they have long sleepless nights thinking of what could have been, what they could have been doing, what did they do wrong, what did they do to deserve this, what could they have changed? The list of questions is endless and even the best of answers is not enough to quench their need for an answer. The torture is immeasurable. whilst other babies outgrow the sleepless nights and mom finally catches a break, these women continue to suffer and look for hope. They still wish they had been given just one day, one hour or even one minute. They feel trapped, they feel alone. Even though talking to other people who have gone through it may bring that feeling of not being alone, in the quiet of the night and the loneliness of their world it may not be so.
I just want to reach out to all moms who have had to go through such a terrible twist of fate. It does not necessarily take one losing a child to understand but just being a mother is enough. Being a mother evokes such emotions deep inside of you to the point you can share the grief of losing a child even if you haven’t lost one. Just imagining how it must feel is more than enough. My heart goes out to you. My heart breaks for you.
Reading the story linked in this post has made me look at my child differently. It has made me realize that each day I have had with her from the day she was born is a blessing I need to thank God for everyday. I didn’t do anything to deserve this blessing in my life just in the same way you didn’t do anything to deserve anything you are going through. We go through different tests and trials in life and some even senseless like the pain of losing a child, of having your dreams crashed in an instant or a series of unexplained adversities that come upon our lives. It is not your fault. Sadly humans are very quick to point fingers and judge people for their choices especially when things go wrong and yet don’t give credit when it is due. They need to find someone to blame and in this case, a mother who already has to deal with the grief of never having the chance to hold their baby alive. Sometimes people can be very cruel but in anything that goes wrong, there will always be those who like to twist the knife in. Even when things go right, there are those who still will want to make you feel bad for your choices!
It is not all lost. There is hope. There is healing. There is a God who had love so abundantly flowing He can heal every broken heart. When it gets too hard, just take it to the Lord in prayer. When there seems like no one is listening, He is right there with you. When you feel like you can’t go on, you can lean on Him. When you feel like crying, he can wipe those tears away. It is natural to feel grief, even Jesus Himself wept with grief when his friend Lazarus died. But remember to take it to the Lord in prayer. Recently I came across the story of Horatio Spafford. He is well-known for his composition for the song “It is well with my soul”. It is a song that has helped me deal with some difficult things in my life but after reading the story behind the song, it gave it a completely new deeper meaning to me. I sound like a broken record, I cannot refer enough people to read the story behind the song. He left behind a legacy that lives on today. He had such faith in God and even when faced with untold grief in his life, he managed to not only find peace in God but also set up a legacy to help other people even long after he has been gone.
I hope that you are comforted in your grief and that God’s mercies that are new every morning will renew your strength and help you to face another day and give you hope for the future. God bless you.
When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot Thou hast taught me to say,
“It is well, it is well with my soul!”
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought—
My sin, not in part, but the whole,
Is nailed to His Cross, and I bear it no more;
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend –
“Even so, it is well with my soul”
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live;
If dark hours about me shall roll
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
Composed by Horatio Spafford
Just a mommy? More than a mommy! 